saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Soap is not a condiment
i would punch a child for taco bell
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
