Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
