I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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