guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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