Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
