you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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