Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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