the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Cover your peen. We're going out.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
