She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
