I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
