Your face is a jimmy john
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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