I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
