She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
