i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
