the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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