What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
