I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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