Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you have to choose: penises or morals?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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