I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
