So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
