Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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