i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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