just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
