I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
