There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
