If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
