Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
