i think i have two assholes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
