Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
