he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
