i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
