I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
