I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
