I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
is that a dick in a sweater?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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