you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
