I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
