you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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