What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
