Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
