I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
