i may or may not be watching the land before time
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
