He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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