I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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