Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just high enough for therapy.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize