I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
