Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
