so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
