Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
