So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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