you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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