He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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