There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
