No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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