i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
