So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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